@violadavis

#Repost @the.holistic.psychologist ・・・ My parents weren’t directly critical, but they were deeply anxious + afraid. So it was indirect. My dad coped with his fear by micromanaging everything in the house. Where things were placed, how we did things, even our relationships with each other (“go apologize to your mom,” “your mothers upset, you shouldn’t have said that to her.”) When he felt out of control (people who micromanage feel out of control often) he would become angry. Yell. Outbursts of anger were very common. This created an overall environment in my homes that lacked joy, laughter, + anything spontaneous. Everything was planned, regimented, + even mundane things felt like a crisis. Tension was the main energy of the home. This is common in dysfunctional homes. Where a group over-seriousness develops. An inability to put things into perspective. It’s a survival state. I coped with this state by becoming an extreme perfectionist. With most of the symptoms looking like “OCD.” Everything had its place. I was super particular + organized. Obsessive. This is just anxiety being channeled in ways that temporarily feel good. My attempt to self soothe. As I got a little older, I recognized I was academically gifted. My parents rewarded this + I quickly learned this was a way to get their love. I had a PhD but doing anything I wasn’t comfortable doing felt like panic for me. I noticed this most when I got on social media. I had to learn how to film, he on camera, run workshops etc. If I wasn’t instantly good at something (+ I wasn’t) I would have a child like tantrum. I recognized this came from obsessive perfectionism. There is a layer of entitlement that comes with it: I expect to be good at something. If not, I quit. I had to learn to be uncomfortable. To make mistakes, publicly. To keep going rather than to be stuck in paralysis. You’ll see just how obsessed with perfectionism we are as a society; when you watch how we treat people who make mistakes. Or who don’t live up to our (super human, idealized) view of who they should be. It’s a form of dehumanization. And we do it because at a young age, we were dehumanized. Make mistake